September this year marks ten years since I made my first, tentative and over-sharey, foray into blogging. I hope you’ll forgive a little self-indulgence on my part, but I’d like to do something to celebrate a pretty significant milestone. I’ve hit upon the idea of publishing some selected takes from my archives – there’s a little bit of poetic license required here, as some of the proper cringeworthy teenage stuff is (thankfully) lost in the mists and pixels of cyberspace, but what I’ll publish every Friday from here until the end of the year is culled from the LiveJournal years, 2003-2006.
On my Easter break during my Masters degree, I had to find myself a placement at a magazine or newspaper. This post was about my first day.
5th April 2004
I’ve been here a couple of hours and already I’m starting to wonder whether a certain local newspaper reports the news, or is it. There must be some kind of conspiracy going down. I’m sorting through the mail and not two, not five but at least twenty white envelopes bursting with votes for the “Bonnie Babies” competition are mixed up with the tonnes of irrelevant press releases. Each envelope is addressed in the same shaky handwriting. Could it be the contest is rigged?
“The entire thing is just a way to encourage families to buy fifty copies of the paper and send off the voting slips,” the sub-editor, laughing, explains. No conspiracy here then, just the shameless exploitation of dozens of plump, pink cherubs with names like Caiden and Antonnio (yes, that’s with two “n”s, we checked it. Twice) in pursuit of circulation figures. My natural cynicism is obviously still out-of-touch from the weekend.
I am shown to somebody else’s computer, logged into the system and basically left to my own devices. I am given the occasional task, but I could churn out whatever copy I wanted to all day if I had it in me, although that’s not to say it would make it into the paper. “All you need to work here is to be mad, and to love chocolate,” I am told but as the workday progresses and my natural curiosity breeds more and more questions it becomes clear that shorthand is also pretty essential. Bugger.
Ever wonder what comes into the mailbox of a local paper? Crap, for the most part. Press offices and random cranks up and down the country send the most irrelevant nonsense to anybody who might, just might feel inclined to give it some coverage on a slow news day. In the course of half an hour of tearing through envelopes I find a recipe for Easter nutloaf, discover that peppermint oil is an excellent cure for flatulence (perhaps to be borne in mind should you sample the nutloaf), giggle over a militant anti-European movement who think we should set our MPs on fire until they agree to vote against the EU constitution and boycott French cooking, or something, and find out that although 79% of people surveyed in the Scottish TV region are aware that dental hygiene is as important for dogs as it is for humans very few pet owners actually care enough to do anything about it.
I decide I would be more endeared towards Max Factor if they sent out samples of their revolutionary new mascara instead of just writing about it. All that’s on offer are a couple of sachets of SoLo Salt.
The wee man from the Hospice is very, very helpful. A local MP’s press officer takes time out from her holiday to call me back. The friends who promised me news stories had their phones switched off all day.
I do a lot of sitting about. I am still the girl who can go from press release to six pars of news story in under fifteen minutes, but I am wary of appearing too keen.
I had high hopes of maintaining my pseudo-broadsheet (read: boring) style-integrity, swatting up on a week’s worth of butchered English and tabloidized phrases the night before. Yet, minutes into my first major assignment (a photo spread on a primary school’s Easter Bonnet Parade), I realise that my tutor’s sacred Checklist has little place in the reality of a community newspaper. “I’ve used every cliche I can think of about cute children!” I wail.
“Excellent,” says my mentor (looking-after-workplacementgirls, getting-messed-about-by-local-councillors, chocolate biscuits), “you’ll get on just fine.”
Eight hours later (post-purchase of some necessary Grown-Up Office Type Wear), I am utterly exhausted. A university career of the odd lecture, all-nighters and mid-afternoon naps has left me spoiled and unprepared for the realities of the workplace. And I’m supposed to do this for the rest of my life? Even the rest of the week seems impossible.
But at least I didn’t have to make the tea.
























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